There’s nothing harder than going at it alone. Trust me, I’m there and feel like I have been for quite some time. I don’t know what it is, maybe it’s my pride, maybe it’s insecurity, maybe it’s just the fact that there is no one I feel like I can quite connect with, but this journeyman, is on the road… solo. The sad part is, I feel like I’ve been running solo for a long time – yearning with all that I am to go as deep as humanly possible, but constantly disappointed by the results. You want to dig to find the opening to the beginning of the end, but all you find is a dead end.

Today, I seriously gave some thought to my faith. I always think of faith, but some days, its just a lot easier. The thing about faith is that you can think about a million things from a million aspects, and they can all be true, but for some reason, seem to lack relevance. The thing about faith is that when you find the aspect of faith that is relevant to you, it can be mind blowing. Unfortunately, I failed to find that relevant factor in my thoughts, and instead, spent about an hour video chatting with a friend in Virginia and playing Flight Control on my iPhone. I drew a conclusion that faith leaves people coated with uncertainty, yet able to rest on certainty. It’s like a car; the ground it drives on is sturdy (certain) where as the car itself is full of uncertain possibilities. I want to find a place where my heart is at peace with the sturdy road…

And that’s the problem: I am in a state of flux. Deciding not to take the job and take the route of being a pure entrepreneur is no joke. I feel like I am all alone in this world with no one to walk with, talk with, share with, and be with. People surround me, but no one engages me. Nothing against the people in my life, but I need someone that hits the spot in terms of relevance to what I am dealing with. I was talking to my sister about the lack of depth people in California (and most of the world have) in regards to the care they have towards faith, morality, relationships, and purity… it’s just sad how loose we are with what we consider as ok and how much we care about harmony, that we compromise purity for it.

But yea… I’m on this road, all alone… no matter how loud I shout, I fear that no one can hear the cry of my voice as it takes someone to listen with keen ears and a sacrificial heart. I know I sound selfish and infantile, but I think that’s what we all want at the end; someone to care so much about us that they would walk on burning coals to reach us and be with us, whether its a friend or a lover. We all yearn for a connection that goes beyond the measure of words and the comprehension of logic. I need Jesus to be real right now more than ever or someone to help me experience God in a refreshing way…

Walk with me Lord, as I am blind and stumbling across throngs of thorns and a field of landmines. Protect me, and let me feel your presence near to me.

One life… struggling to make sense of it all.

I can’t wait… until the sun comes up on a new day… until the watermelons and strawberries ripen… until I see that ever present smile on my mom as she lovingly looks at me… until I lose my belly and get a six pack… until my next bite of Toro fatty tuna followed by coconut macadamia crusted cheesecake from Extraordinary Desserts… until I get my master’s degree… until I become financially wealthy… until I listen to another symphony orchestra… until I go to the beach again… until I make my way up to Napa… until I get that new app on my iPhone… until I don’t have to look before I leap… until I can run 5 miles without getting tired… until I find someone that is willing to go deep with me… until I change my neighborhood, my city, the world… until people start caring more about others… until I start caring more about others… until I smell the honeysuckle… until I share a glass of wine with a good friend… until I take another trip to another place in the world.. until faith makes more sense than it does now… until Jesus becomes more real to the world… until God gets His glory.

I’m back. I’ve said it so many times now, but here I am actually writing about it. I have now been back for 2 weeks.
It’s weird how quickly I learned to readjust. No culture shock whatsoever. I expected there to be some residual shock from all that I experienced: dengue, floods, diet, 100% humidity, spiders, snakes, cockroaches, etc. but there was nothing at all. Instead, I just went back to life as usual as if I never left.

Still haven’t seen many people trying to work through family stuff. Not really fun, but so goes life. Anyway, going to Santa Barbara to go wine tasting tomorrow and from there, celebrating the 4th with some friends in Hermosa Beach. Who knows what happens from then on…