A lot of times, we know that God is real, but we don’t feel it. I know that’s the way it is for me often. It’s quite a scary thing to think about – you can do everything ‘right,’ but still feel like you are abandoned by God. Nothing in your life really merits any sort of sadness, emptiness, or frustration, as you are comfortable and living by means that far exceed the majority of the world, but still, you feel like something is missing. It seems as if you don’t feel complete in God.

I find that this dialectical tension between the head and the heart never completely gets reconciled. I remember feeling the same frustration of wanting to be a ‘perfect’ Christian, completely dependent on God when I was a wee little boy, and of course, the more I study faith and the great heroes who have come before me, you realize that there is no end. A part of me chalks it up to the simple reality that we will never accomplish the perfect here on earth, that we will always yearn for deeper intimacy, closer relations, a richer interaction with God, but again, that just doesn’t satisfy me.

I once heard the term holy dissatisfaction and its stuck with me through time. I love the fact that there is a term for how I feel, but I hate the simple fact that the way I feel exists. I just wish I could be completely content with my imperfections, but I can’t. I know God is real, but sometimes, it just doesn’t feel that way.

Then I think of how most people cope: the cross. We look to our past experiences to find comfort in the present, and we look to the future for hope in all God has promised through that. We can see God’s faithfulness in our lives if we really examine our lives carefully. Like Joseph’s life in the Bible, we know that God was with him in everything, but I’d like to wonder if Joseph felt like God was with him at every turn. My guess is not. So, to myself and to everyone else that knows that God is real, but has a hard time feeling it, I pray that we can examine our lives to see His faithfulness in all things.