February 8, 2010
The reason women can’t find a good man
So, I am now sans, the Dr in my name, but that doesn’t change fact that what I have to say is exactly what YOU need to hear. This is written for the women out there, but men, pay attention to my words, they could be a direct assault on your Neanderthal state of being.
I’ve been in more “relationship” conversations in the last month than in a long while. A part of that could be that most people are just part of a statistical finding that 6 out of every 10 couples will break up in the month of January for phenomenological reasons you can Google; some of which are New Years resolutions, the impending dread of another Valentine’s day with someone you don’t see a future with, the fact that you didn’t want to break up with that hunk that all the other ladies “rawr” about, the uncertainty that comes with a break up, or the simple belief that the someone that you fit better with won’t come around on his white mustang. Whatever the case is, it doesn’t matter because the problem isn’t in what’s out there, it’s you.
Before you get all offended, take a quick inventory of your life and the lives of those around you. How many people in relationships can do ‘better’ than what they’ve got? No, I’m not talking about finding a richer man, a “hotter” man, a more athletic man, or a more sophisticated man (unless if we’re dealing with brutes here), but a man that possesses all the things that matter (trustworthiness, character, humility, consideration, discipline, maturity, emotional intelligence, diligence, etc.). I bet if you are honest with yourself, more than half of the relationships you know of shouldn’t be relationships at all, instead, they should just consider each other friends and part ways as lovers. If you are really honest with yourself, I’d be surprised if you knew more than 1 out of 10 people that were truly in a relationship worth being jealous about, or even better, worth learning from. The reality is, less than 1 out of 100 couples are worth learning from as examples instead of as warnings of the type of relationship to stay away from.
The reason YOU are the problem is because even though you think you want a man, you are looking for a boy. On the most basic level, men AND boys can make the butterflies flutter, but the source of those butterflies are completely different. Boys don’t warrant your affection, but for some reason, because they ignored you after giving you a little attention, didn’t call back, seemed to be unpredictable, or just because they didn’t appear desperate, make you want them all the more. Men actually have a life and an adventure you want to be a part of. The story is filled with productivity, romance, consistency, and novelty, but it’s all substantive; not like the short fuse of a boy that packs a big punch at first then quickly fizzes out once he knows he has you on lock. In other words, boys have a story that revolves around themselves where men have a story that revolve around things outside themselves. The problem is, you can’t tell the difference most of the time and you find yourself feeling the same emotion for both boy and man.
The reason YOU are the problem is because YOU are the one who chooses who you end up with, not the other way around. We live in an age of choice now, we cannot blame our parents for setting us up with another royal family’s daughter for the sake of peace or for the cow that comes as a dowry, instead, we can look at the four fingers pointing right back at us as we try to shift the blame onto someone else. The reason YOU are the problem is because YOU are the one who cannot separate the enjoyment of someone’s company with appropriate boundaries that will more often than not, lead to your attachment to someone, which will ultimately lead to your misery in just putting up with his nonsense and justifying it by telling yourself and everyone else that you love him OR by you having ANOTHER failed relationship notch on your belt.
You need a filter. You need more than a list of things that determines whether or not the person you are with is the person you should end up with. Job, car, house, college degree, good family, faith, etc. are all good things to take a person through the first round of interviews, but certainly not enough to offer them the job. And that’s the thing, if you don’t have a filter, relationships become just that, another job that you hate doing. Don’t get me wrong, I am not so idealistic to say that relationships are without effort and at many times trying, but the truth is, if you are in a trying relationship that is worth the effort, you will find yourself growing. If you can’t see it, ask those closest to you, and if you don’t have someone close to you, go invest in making friends first.
So what goes in a filter? Well, think of it like a Brita water filter, there is not just one thing that the water passes through before it comes out purified enough to drink, there are many layers and stages that each drop of water trickles through. So below is a list of things you should think of…
1. Are you ready for a relationship? I recently heard that the way you end up with your spouse is when you meet the right person, at the right time, the right way. That should also give you enough to think about whether or not you are the right person, at the right time, allowing someone to meet you the right way. Fact is, most people are too selfish to be ready for a relationship, take a good look in the mirror and ask yourself, can I really give up my selfless for romance?
2. What do your friends and family say? When you meet someone, everyone should be in love with them, or at least a good majority of people should be. Ultimately, it boils down to a few opinions that really matter and if you are wise, you would heed their advice. They know you better than your emotional high is allowing you to feel, so get over yourself, brace yourself for the pinch of pain, and just do what you must. If they give the blessing, that’s another filter, but remember, it takes time to get to know someone even though many times, the first impression carries its weight in gold.
3. Does your list match what you REALLY want? Everyone needs a list of non-negotiables. I can tell the quality of a girl by how she lists what is a must, that without, leads to a bust for her. The reality is, the list for most women is as barbaric as the boobs, butt, and face that men have on their list. The first thing you have to do is write out a list, then have both guys and girls that you trust go through it and critique it. Then, rewrite it so it gives you STRONG indicators that can act as proofs that a guy is worth your time.
4. Are you headed the same place? Sometimes, life takes you in different directions, just make sure that if you aren’t headed in the same direction, you know about it before hand OR you change both your lives around so that they are.
5. Are you willing to be what he needs? As you examine the guy, the guy is examining you, and for any dumb witted person, it doesn’t take much to realize that there are growing pains that exist in relationships. If you want to have a successful relationship with someone, you need to grow into each other. That means that there are things about you that will need to adapt to him as well. To think that a man comes “ready to serve” is as foolish as thinking that you are ready for a real man. You cannot be selfish in a relationship with a real man. With a boy you can throw tantrums and get away with it, with a man, you shouldn’t have to throw tantrums to begin with. With a real man, you don’t feel like you are his master, nor his servant, yet you gladly follow him wherever he goes.
Real men exist. Good men exist. The reason you can’t find yourself one is because your filter prevents you from seeing the good men and your insecurities and emotional rashness keeps you in relationships all the time so the window for you to find yourself one is too short. If you think being single for two years is long in this day and age, try and put on your practical hat for a minute and think of how much better your time could have been spent if you were single instead of dating the losers you’ve dated in the past. Now, I’m not saying that everyone you’ve dated is a loser per se, but I bet you out of 5 guys you’ve dated, at least 4 of them are worth the gum that’s stuck to the bottom of your shoe. Sure, you have great memories and learned a lot, but I hate to burst your bubble, you could have had more fun developing friendships that will last you a lifetime and you could have learned just as much by engaging in meaningful conversations, hearing compelling stories, doing a little reflection, and reading a book.
But the past is the past and the future is ahead of us. No need to sulk. Its never to late to be bold and prepare yourself for what lies ahead. My hope for you is that you simply develop the patience, discipline, and the filter to know that something great is out there for you.